Political Values 2010

As anyone in Britain, who has not been in a coma for the last month, is aware, last night we had first ever US style "leaders debates" to be staged in this country, as part of the 2010 general election campaign. It was not exactly an inclusive affair, involving only leaders of the ruling Lib/Lab/Con troika and noticably excluding leaders of the “smaller” parties such as Nick Griffin, lord fudge of Ukipper and that woman who looks like a pomeranian who runs the Greens.

I watched the first half of it, and then began to lose the will to live, so I caught the highlights later on NewsNight, together with a general assessment of the performance of the three contenders and analysis of the viewer polls taken during the show. It is rather indicative of the depth to which our values have sunk that the guy with the yellow tie and bag of unworkable, Narnia style, policies is generally considered to have won, most likely on account of being slightly prettier than the other two.

There was however one advantage to the event, which was that we got to compare the proposed and (they imagine) BNP defeating, immigration policies of the three main parties, which, on my analysis amounted to the following:

Labour immigration policy 2010 – as presented by Gordon Brown:

“According to NuLabour's revised method of calculating immigrant numbers, which involves counting one new arrival out of every four on the basis that the other three might, die, go home or decide to give France a try at some point in the next 40 years, and then dividing by the number you first thought of, immigration into Britain is beginning to slow down. However, once the election is over we will fix that!!!”

“Meanwhile, we are planning to introduce a points based system, rather like that used in Australia, but with our own unique NuLabour twist based on the current politically approved means of incentivising students within the education system better known as “All must win prizes” albeit in this case, it would be better entitled, “All must gain points”. That way after the election the victorious New Stasi .... er ... cough .. New Labour Party will be able to carry on with our open door policy of flooding the country with foreigners almost as if there had never been a BNP threat in Barking or Stoke! and I am sure cute little Nick agrees with me on this”

Liberal Democrat immigration policy 2010 – as presented by "cute little" Nick Clegg: “

Naturally the Liberal Democrat party will not seek to curb immigration, as that might appear a tad racist. However, we will tell the new immigrants that they must move to places like Tiverton, Prestatyn and Builth Wells, where there aren't many immigrants yet, and then, being liberals, we will trust them to stay there .... er .... um ... that's it really” (Nick ends his statement with an empathetic, but still delightfully boyish, grin at the audience and a wiggle of his enchanting little bottom.)

Conservative Party immigration policy 2010 – as presented by David Cameron

“I visited a local tavern for a pint of Krug, Clos du Mesnil 1995, like any other ordinary bloke might do and I met a noble black-a-moor who told me how proud he was of Britain, his country, and how much he loved Britain, his country. 'David' he said to me 'I really love this country, and I am so proud to be a black Briton' he then went on to tell me how much benefit he and his immigrant family had brought to Britain. He explained he had started out making money from 'steaming', Which, as we all know is vital when the old top hat gets dented at Ascot, as it does. He even told me he did his steaming on tube trains, which I thought was extremely innovative, people could go straight from Ascot to Glyndebourne with a perfectly steamed topper thanks to my new immigrant friend”

“Then after a brief career in 'rap' (he didn't say what fillings) he joined the Clapton Boyz Sqd., not a part of the air force I am familiar with but I am sure they did great work in Iraq and Asfghanistan, after that [checks script] he became a paramedic where he would regularly pick up injured little white babies from the street in his strong black arms and carry them to hospital administering artificial respiration as he did so, before donating his own black blood to save all these dozens of white children........ uh, where was I? Oh yes, then this noble black man, who had contributed so much to the fabric of this country, said to me 'However, David I do think we may be letting a few too many immigrants in, especially those f######g Africans who keep stabbing us West Indians' so I said to him 'Don't worry Chalkie, when we Tories are in power we will reduce the numbers down to the equivalent of a town the size of Carlisle of Grimsby each year ..,.. Hey what did you think 'tens of thousands meant Suckers? And if we don't succeed, we'll use New Labour's calculation method, so, at least, it will seem that way whether its true or not”

There you go folks, the 2010 immigration policies we can expect from the three main parties. I guess you know which way to vote!!
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